*This article is a parody on how to be fit and healthy. It’s meant to entertain and actually point out what NOT to do if you want to stay lean and fit (just do the opposite of everything posted here). So if you’re actually really trying to get fat, well then this blog isn’t for you.
Start by eating really bad:
1. Eat at fast food restaurants as often as possible. It is convenient right? So why not. Great places to choose from are McDonald’s, Burger King, and Taco Bell. Always supersize.
2. If you want a fancier meal be sure to go to Chili’s and order this for dinner:
Appetizer Trio (eating only half as there will probably be someone with you) = 966 calories
Jalapeno Smokehouse Burger = 2130 calories
Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie Dessert = 1290
Total calories consumed = 4386 calories
Total fat gained on your body = 1.25 pounds
3. Drink lots of alcohol. Consume at least a 12 pack of beer or 5 Margaritas on a daily basis. You could gain around a half a pound every day.
4. Consume 7 cans of soda a day for a week straight. You’ll end consuming about 7000 calories which equals 2 pounds.
5. Go on some crazy, calorie restricted diet for a few weeks and then start eating your regular diet. That’s a surefire way to slow your metabolism down and cause you to binge on junk food since it’s too hard to stick to the ridiculous diet anyhow. Also, your energy level will be so low you won’t want to do anything, so the lowered activity level will surely add on extra pounds.
6. The best way to deal with a stressful day at work is to plop down on the couch to watch TV for the entire evening. Oh but don’t foget to grab the pint of Ben and Jerry’s. It’ll surely lift your mood and at an average of 1200 calories in each pint, simply consuming 3 of these could add an extra pound to those shapely hips and thighs.
7. Complain about how much it costs to eat healthy while filing your cart with Ribeye steaks, Premium Ice Cream, Bags of Potato Chips, Beer, and Cigarettes and simply ignore the batch of bananas that cost $1.50.
8. Go to the movies often, but don’t just watch the movies. Be sure to gobble down the following:
1 large popcorn with butter = 960 calories
1 Large soda = 310 calories
An 8 oz bag of Reese’s Pieces = 1160 calories
Total calories consumed = 2430 calories
Total fat gained on your body = .70 pounds
9. Gorge yourself at the local buffet as often as possible. There’s no doubt the huge selection of unhealthy foods can be turned down. Pile up your plate with fried chicken, gravy, and anything covered with butter. And don’t forget dessert. It’s required that you have to unbutton your pants before you leave, or better yet bring along a bigger size just in case.
Limit exercise and movement by following these proven techniques:
11. Take your kids, your sisters kids, or even your neighbors kids to the park so they can run around while you sit on a bench and do absolutely nothing.
12. Avoid exercise like the plague and instead watch 3 hours of TV every night while mindlessly munching on potato chips and chocolate candy.
13. Spend 20 minutes driving around a crowded parking lot waiting for that front row parking spot instead of spending 5 minutes walking from the back of the parking lot where there are at least 100 open spots.
14. Wear really uncomfortable shoes everywhere you go including the office, school, and running errands so that you can be sure to avoid walking at all costs so your feet don’t end up hurting.
15. Sit at the computer all day reading my blog and try to get up only when necessary such as a potty break or to grab a fatty or sugary snack. Yes, read all about how to get fit on my blog and learn different exercises and diet tips, but do not implement anything you learn.
16. Limit lifting of any sort as much as possible, not just weights, but lifting boxes, kids, or anything that weighs over a half a pound. Ask someone else whenever possible to help you out. The less muscle you have the more fat you can gain when your metabolism starts slowing down.
17. If your job for any reason requires activity ask to be transferred to a desk job or get a new job.
18. Make sure to get little to no sleep. Definitely, less than 5 hours is ideal. This will mess up your hormones, throwing your body and metabolism out of whack so your brain instead signals your body to store fat.